I wanted to write about Suz, and i stared at a blank screen for a few days before i actually felt i could sit down and have something to say that would do her justice, to explain all this crazy long distance suffering and crazy online relationship stuff in one hit. I’ve realized that you cant do that, nothing i say will ever be enough to make anyone but me understand how i feel, or even how much i feel. For this girl that I’ve never met.
Right now its just after 8pm NZ time, just after 3am for Suz. I’m tired and i had a crappy day and i’m laying in bed all by myself, listening to a playlist we created together on Spotify (Because we are sappy like that ;)) I want to go to sleep, but i wont. Ill stay up for one more hour, just long enough to say good morning to her when she wakes, just long enough to make sure she slept okay, just long enough to remind myself that she’s there, that she’s real.
Long distance relationships are no joke. I have always avoided any kind of relationship that required me to fly anywhere to see the person, honestly even when i had the old Tinder in operation i had it set on 5km radius because i didn’t wanna go too far ;). I never believed that i had it in me to go to bed alone every night, and wake up alone in the morning, i enjoy that freedom when i’m single, but in a relationship i want to steal all of your body heat… and cuddles i guess. Most body heat. I WILL put my cold feet on you.
I think people romanticize LDR sometimes, and don’t get me wrong, there is something utterly romantic and beautiful about traveling to the other side of the world just to see the girl you love, just to hold her in your arms, just to do the things normal couples take for granted, hold hands walking down the street together, getting coffee, cooking dinner together (Lets be honest Suz, i’ll cook you’ll watch). It is such a painful thing to live in different time zones, sometimes i feel like we are moving through different worlds, separate space and time, trying so desperately to meet somewhere in the middle. Together at last. And we will, I leave in 8 days. Seems like nothing to everyone else, its next week, its dragging is what it is! I am impatient at the best of times so this is torture for me! I am so ready to be able to wake up and go to sleep at the same damn time.
My mum asked me something the other day that really got me thinking about my relationship a lot, and about who i am. She said “Don’t you feel like you want to take this really slow since you jumped into things with your husband and it failed so badly?”
No, actually i don’t. I have never hesitantly dipped my toe in the water to see if its cold. I run and leap and fly before splashing terrifically into the water, and if its cold you adapt, you move as fast as hell and get the F**k out of there. BUT what about when you leap and you land in the most beautiful warm blissful water, with soft white sand at your feet and you float there and it holds you up and you realize that this is what heaven must feel like. What about that?
That’s me. That is who i am. I leap.
Not because i’m reckless, and sure as hell not because i’m fearless because i am terrified. But because I feel everything, all at once or not at all, that’s how i have always been, i throw myself with wild abandon into life and love and i think my life has turned out pretty damn amazing, of course there have been some set backs but look at what i have learned. Look at how i have grown.
So no, from where i am sitting i’m not about to take this slow. I met the most incredible woman through the most random channel and had an instant connection with her. I’m not about to waste a second. I can still remember the stupid smile all over my face the very first time we spoke, I remember even then not wanting to go to sleep because i was scared we would never talk again if i said goodnight. How wrong i was.
I don’t even know how it happened, from the first day the conversation just didn’t ever stop, we slept and ate and worked and trained and lived our lives all the while continuing one very long conversation. And it turned from getting to know a new friend to falling madly in love with a girl from the other side of the damn world. We talk about our families, growing up, kids, marriage, work, we share goals, hopes and dreams for our lives, bootay pics ;), training videos, secrets and love. I feel like i have known her forever, when you take the physical part of a relationship away you talk a lot more, the communication grows and you get amazing at it, you truly get to know who somebody is. You also know how much someone loves you when you have never been able to feel their touch and they see every part of you inside and out and they stick around. There is zero doubt, no fear. I never realized a love like this could exist. I am such a physical person, and to have that taken away from the equation has made this such a different relationship for us both i think.
I have no idea what the future holds for us, but i cannot wait to spend it with my Suzy. I have so many plans and goals for my life and i couldn’t think of anyone else i would rather share it all with.
8 days and counting…